June 16, 2008

Relationship lessons for desi girls

How most of us deal with our adult relationships are a result of what we learnt from the relationships around us when we were growing up. One continues to be manipulative if we had to use round about ways to get what we wanted as children, we are less needy in relationships if we grow up surrounded by the love of parents and siblings, we are more trusting as adults if our trust has not been broken as children.

Growing up female in India brings on additional cultural lessons on our vulnerability and the need for a man in our life to protect us. We were reminded of this annually on Raksha-Bandhan, a day where Hindu sisters tie a sacred thread around their brothers wrists who vow in return to protect them in. The festivities of the occasion makes girls feel special, and this makes it difficult for girls who did not have brothers who would then turn to cousins or friends to become their Rakhi brothers. The message in this annual ritual was clear- women needed the protection of our brothers and the fortunate ones had brothers where the unlucky ones had to make up pretend brothers! All for a ritual that re-enforces women's inferior or dependant state year after year

Twice a year at the end of the Navratri festival, little girls were worshipped as representative of the goddess. It's a fun day for little girls as the ritual includes adults washing the girls feet followed by offerings of food, money and gifts. This continues till the girl reaches puberty, from when on she is considered impure and is not eligible to be worshipped any more. Girls begin to live a life of diminished value as they grow into puberty, as they become more dependent on the protection of fathers and brothers in a society that is supposed to be too rough for then to face alone. The messages of this dependency come from customs, rituals and media and the validation comes from girls being frequent victims of "eve-teasing", which covers the spectrum of leering, groping and rude gestures from men of all ages. The confident young girl is gradually replaced by a subdued version as these messages send her to a place where she needs a "man" to be anything in life.

The fasts begin when the girl reaches her teen years. The most common fast is Karva Chauth, kept by women to ensure a long life for the husband and to get the same husband for seven more lifetimes! Unmarried girls keep the fast to get the perfect husband. There is also a fast for Lord Shiva on Monday's. Shiva is known as the granter of good mates, so girls fast on sixteen consecutive Monday's to ensure a good husband and married women keep the fast to ensure a happy married life. I am not aware of any fasts geared towards boys or men so they may get a good wife.

The Hindu wedding ceremony includes the time honored ritual of kanya daan or the giving away of the bride. The ritual is a transaction, of ownership, the parents pass ownership of the daughter to the groom who from that point onwards owns the bride. The message is clear, the girls life was never her own, she belonged to the parents and now belongs to the husband.

Conditional love is the norm, love from the husband and his family will be a reward for acting as the model bahu - the one we see in the media. When good behavior fails to bring the promised reward of a loving husband and a happy married life, girls are often left rudderless adrift in a sea of unknowns. The lucky ones are able to change the way they look at the world and grow to become emotionally self-sufficient, others may spend the rest of their lives examining what they did wrong and continue with other rituals, maybe a chain of fasts to absolve themselves of bad karma.

All of this re-enforced by Bollywood and television where there are countless tales of women building relationships on drama, manipulation, jealousy and greed. We became outwardly demure, gentle, self effacing and perfect the art of passive aggressive behavior. We learnt to be accepting of all things by our husbands, to take the back seat in all decision making, to never never ask for anything directly but manipulate to get what we want. We don't know how to trust and to love or understand the concept of mutual commitment and we perpetuate the cycle in our unhealthy adult relationships. We believe that we need a man in our life to feel complete and to validate us as women. We consider possessiveness or controlling behavior as evidence of love. And our relationships reflect all our learning's.

So what do we teach our own children, our sons and daughters? Can our girls grow up in a secure environment where they hear us tell them that they are smart, pretty and capable of amazing things, can we teach our sons to treat women as equals, can we teach both the sons and daughters to be complete in themselves and not seek each other through neediness or control?

I have been fortunate enough to raise two wonderful girls away from the influence of the fasts and the rituals in an environment of trust and achievement. They continue to amaze me with the maturity they show in their friendships and relationships and I frequently find myself learning from them. I believe that there is hope that children of this generation will continue to spread the power of healthy relationships to their peers and will pass on the wisdom to their children.

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